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Compassionate Communication

We yearn to speak the language of the heart, to be understood, to draw closer to the experience of a loved one, to resolve conflicts, and to avoid patterns of withdrawal and avoidance. Some of us want to connect more effectively at work or with our children.

To make connections, we repeat the mantras that we’ve heard, such as “good relationships are built on good communication.” We try our best. We think we make things clear, and still we find ourselves stuck in relationships that involve us in arguments, isolation, or even violence. We long to be safe, connected, and truly alive.

A talent for speaking differently, rather than for arguing well, is the chief instrument of cultural change.
– Richard Rorty

What has science discovered about good connections and communication? It turns out there is more involved than just good, clear words. It turns out that the best communicators, the ones who connect easily to others, have a special skill. They are able to switch between their own experience and the experience of another person. In this imaginative process, they use empathy or compassionate communication to join with each other. Empathy is the ability to stand in the shoes of the other person and discern what life is like for that person, to sense their feelings and their needs, and for them to do so for us in return.

Because empathy is a skill, it can be learned and enriched with practice. Simple techniques can help to identify emotional patterns and head off conflict. Empathy is a universally useful tool. Best of all, it is fun to develop empathy. The reaches of our capacity for empathy are boundless. Compassionate, clear, aware communication enriches our relationships with others and with ourselves. Communication connects us to the life force and the joy that is ours to find along the road.
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We want true connection. We want to dance. - Judy Rintoul — We want true connection. We want to dance.
– Judy Rintoul

The roots of resilience...are to be found in the sense of being understood by and existing in the mind and heart of a loving, attuned, and self-possessed other. - Diana Fosha — The roots of resilience…are to be found in the sense of being understood by and existing in the mind and heart of a loving, attuned, and self-possessed other.
– Diana Fosha

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There are no unsacred places; there are only sacred places and desecrated places. - Wendell Berry — There are no unsacred places; there are only sacred places and desecrated places.
– Wendell Berry

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Sometimes we feel like we’re at the end of the road. Therapy can be a way to ask: “What happens next?” - Judy Rintoul — Sometimes we feel like we’re at the end of the road. Therapy can be a way to ask: “What happens next?”
– Judy Rintoul

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I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive. - Joseph Campbell — I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.
– Joseph Campbell

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